917 devon and sasha have left for the day. i will pick sasha up around 4 and devon will head into the city from footscray to attend the womens circus board meeting as executive director. she is not actually a director on the board so the title is confusing. executive officer would be more traditional. anyway. i have a lot on my mind. unemployment is a great solution for time but a terrible solution for money. time and money. saturn and his coins. bah. devon is tiring of her job. she has money. and has committed herself to support me in my unemployment as long as i am hustling to the right degree. but hustle takes time and organisation and productivity. all the things you earn money for without the money to motivate you. and the whole reason you give up the security of a wage is what? is it even you most of the time? i was 2 years in at regen and they where proceeding to let me go. what a ridiculous phrase, let me go. they where organising, in that slow, deliberate, unconscious pace that organisations have, to fire me. fire. another of the great metaphors. so time, money, organisation, fire.
time is cronos, saturn, fate, hades, the underworld, the golden age, gold, the hidden, the valuable.
money is earth, coin, gold, material, wealth in the physical, power in the economy, in the home, in the world.
organisation is what? i am organised, much more than most i have to think, my lover is at her very rewarding and challenging job where she is the boss, my children are all at school, my house is clean and tidy, i am applying for work, i am maintaining a garden, i am cooking most meals and cleaning all the dishes, i am acclimatising a cat to a new home, i am selling my car, i am maintaining relationships with a circle of family and a circle of friends, i am attempting to start a freelance business, i am attempting to buy a property, i am attempting to write, i am attempting to be a good and decent person, i am even attempting to live a life of love, love the world, love my lovers, and there i run aground on the shoals of despair, for all that i love must pass away and die, and it is sad, but i remind myself, there is more to love than life and love itself, love is transcendent, and we may love ideals. ideals like peace, justice, love, and the rest. there are surely infinite worthy ideals that transcend us? transcend the world? to say that you are embracing the ideal of truth, or peace, or love, is that not to say that you are embracing an ideal that is greater than any living, mortal being, that you are embracing something that whether you are alive or dead, whether the world survives or falls, peace, love, justice, struggle, wisdom, unity, reflection, creativity, these things are good, positive, worth ones attention.
but so many things are worth our attention. we are not all saints. lonely dwellers of caves and mountain tops. like the trackless birds who fill the air. some of us have children, lovers, friends and family, commitments that we have made to the greater good in good faith, and they rightly demand our attention. and the profundities, love, justice and the rest, they rightfully demand our attention too.
the saints reassure me. i read them, buddha, christ, mohammed, plato, the deserts dwellers, the reclusive, the learned and the wise, my library is more or less a reflection of that, but i have had other libraries and other interests too, and have ever felt that the implacable demands of the road of genius is a kind of trick, available only to those with with a room of ones own.
there are a myriad of ways to organise a room of ones own, but it has been my experience in 40 years, living in a prosperous city of prosperous parents, that the choices are really most often quite stark. if you are willing to pack a backpack with some warm cloths and a first aid kit and maybe live on the streets or join a monastery (they still exist) then you may certainly devote most of your time to actualising the genius. but if you have children who you will not abandon, if you have a lover that you will not abandon, if you have these things that you will not willingly let go of, then how do you find the time?
anyway. we are attempting to purchase simons estate and if successful will own a property at daylesford with a 3 bedroom home and a shack on it. we could easily live there and pay off any debts quite quickly. gordon, devons father, has offered us a large lump sum of monies to offset the mortgage, so we will effectively have a place to live if we are successful in the purchase. kimshar our tenant is a good source of income while she is there and is caring for the place very well. if we where to move our rent would effectively be a fraction of our current expense in the city.
if i can find work for half a week we can also use ivanhoe as a free rent place in town. to stay when we commute.
so what happened? i don’t usually like memoir, too definitive, it relates a kind of abstraction over a set of experiences that in reality are almost never fixed in ones mind to that degree, and if they are then one is fixated, and that sounds bad, unless one is fixated on the good, in which case, anyway, i worked for regen for 2 years, more or less, and in that 2 years i saw thousands of substance users, hundreds of health workers, and i was punctual, polite, and did my best to be a caring and efficient worker. i honestly worked hard. in the first month or so lw was promoted to the counselling team and i was hopeful, having 2 years experience in crisis counselling with a very long standing and respected institution in lifeline, provided by the wesley mission, i was told that i would need to complete a 2 year qualifications framework to qualify for that kind of promotion, which i undertook. due to financial concerns i took on near to full time work, and with the added burden of study, 3 children including a new, full time step son, a relationship, and even the occasional visit with friends (heaven forfend) it was too much, and the thousands of suffering souls, reaching out to me in their time of crisis, was more than i could bear. my performance slipped a fraction. my basis for comparison were my colleagues in kc, so, ac, lw, lcp, and our basis for comparison was the worker in the sw who used to cause about 85 percent of our follow up problems. i maybe slackened a percent from super high achiever under the strain. but i didn’t look happy. that seemed to be the problem at it’s root. and i wasn’t happy. so i began to attempt to actualise a space where i could do something that made me happy, and that is write. my writing as self therapy kind of bizzo and what not. but that proved a slow and cumbersome process and one that only added to my stress. i did not really achieve a window for my craft, though i still produced work, it came more or less at the detriment, it seems to me, of my other commitments. so i did not complete all my studies in the first year and had to undertake extra study in year 2 to make up, doubling that workload. working full time. with 3 kids. anyway. that turned out not to be the solution either, and after my performance dipped again the writing was on the wall. so to speak.
now i am looking for part time work because i cannot go through that again. i cannot. i cannot get another full time job and find that the whole promise and premise of onwards and upwards together is just a bullshit scam and as soon as you tire for a moment and the entire pack turns on you like ravenous fucking, well, wolves, and your corpse is thrown out with the garbage. i cannot.
if someone is going to fire me it is going to be me. not really, but whatever.
anyway. i am trying to tell you about phaedra. no i’m not. sorry.
saturn, conceived not as understanding but as earth, luna, conceived not as change but as the way things are, mercury, reflecting, reflecting on the way things are and love, the mirror between love and the way things are, love bathed in radiant light. the radiant light of the will, reasons will, because through understanding comes reason, and from wisdom comes understanding, wisdom comes from ? the crown they call it sometimes, the buddhists have a similar way of thinking, the resonances and commonalities, as well as the differences, are intriguing and seem to me to reward study.
saturn, conceived as understanding, typing to try and get my thoughts in order, though thats not it exactly,
a long time ago i was very interested in the yi jing. the binary system, the naturalistic (in the artistic sense) development of the concept of yin and yang into an artful and coherent set of signs for things, lovely system, the tarot has been a more recent interest. i was just leafing through a few of my books, reminded that the religious are often neurotic by william james, that the fascists are out there all the fucking time by norman cohen, that magical traditions are worthy of our intellectual respect by richard wilhelm, bah.
it’s now 1035.
it is hard to write when one has the feeling of needing to defend oneself. to defend ones space is to to be under siege. but by whom? the oppressor regen has left the field, taking it’s money with it. grumbling about the unsatisfactory quality of the 2 years of my life i poured into it’s purposes.
so once again i am looking for ways to spend my time to my profit. and yet i am still under siege. my enemies seek to make demands of me, either of my time, or my money, or my labour, whereas i seek spaces where the gifts of reflection, love, energy, peace, understanding and wisdom can flourish.
is it so wrong for me to attempt to tend my tiny metaphysical garden in this way? to spend a few hours here and there, amongst the actual gardening, and laundry, and cooking and cleaning and working and on and on, that i should want a few hours each week, to myself, to think and write and exercise my mind and body and attempt to seek spiritual union, reharmonisation of my spirit to the world, there is time after all, lent to us by cronus to help us understand what we need to understand.
so at the highest point or organisation, or orgone, at the point where the cosmos is a single organ and not a plurality, we reach absolute zero, and we cannot say. alef null.
with the gift of time, of movement, we may mobilise reasons and energy to illuminate love which is reflected dimly into the mutability in the soil of our earthly lives, initiating the alchemy that is growth.
anyway. besieged. still waiting for haag to get back to me. i will know soon i suppose, but i fear reuben will get the job, and good on him, at least he has a functioning web site.
venetia is a poor referee from my point of view. i will need to talk to other regen staff who can speak to my character and work ethic from their perspective. bah.
kelsey hasn’t taken my calls this morning despite a quite clear email from jenny to the effect that the documents are correct.
it’s a weird situation because of sasha’s inheritance, so everyone wants to make sure they aren’t fucking over a child somehow. which we are not.
anyway lots just happened. spoke to kelsey from the bank and she is now happy with the paperwork but asked for new payslips. hopefully my current lowered income does not prevent the mortgage going forward. we have sent all the new slips as requested.
so theres a few narratives that might play out from here i guess. the bank approves. we purchase. forward.
the bank declines, ostensibly because of my lack of income. then we are back to the drawing board, bah.
haag still no call.
i should get my car serviced.
but i don’t know the value of a grand worth of insurance versus the future sale as the rent and mortgage situation stands in relation to my current employment, which is already a mouthful just to set to paper let alone manage in real life.
every time i try this the weight of the world sits on my shoulders. is this a legitimate use of ones time? it makes no money, even if i am successful in publishing in the free press it is unlikely to make any money, maybe a prize or a grant or something here or there. and even the jobs for scribes are circumscribed, mwf had me in the 15 out of 50 but not the 3 out of 15, haag has me in the 2, but the days pass, if i get haag and have dixons then my income is better but still not so high as with regen, the bank, that final arbiter of what one can do with ones time, will decide now and ponderously decide again in any event, all i can do is keep hustling to try and make it right, and keep believing in the value of occasionally sitting alone and writing down ones thoughts.
and opinions and telling stories that sing to the soul, ov being valued for that is a dream, a lunacy, that first space above the merely practical realities of time, space, income and expenditure, the realities. they are all realities is the argument they say, the physical realities of time and space and a home, an ecology, an economics, a habitat, a habit, a dwelling, a being a this or that, those realities are realities, but so is the lunatic idea that writing and thinking and sitting alone has value, is the 9’s, the astral, the quantum electro magnetic entanglements of consciousness or some such arcanum.
do you worship the moon? surely not if you believe it a mere rock, swinging through space, explaining nothing but the tides, wait, the moon makes the tides? and you can extend the metaphor? and talk about mutability, change, and the moon? to take the moon as a symbol, as it where, of mutability, and to argue that ones dreams and hopes and mental energies play out in this sign of mutability, this sign of change. for the realities of the real world, so called, change, and yet when we look at them again and again they appear as inevitabilities, laws, of physics or economics or, well, reality, broadly conceived. and yet we live and learn, and try and struggle towards greater understanding, greater love and contentment, to gladness and generosity, and each time we take stock of the earth, of saturn, of the before time, the after time, the measured as against the measureless, we find rendered in it the impressions of this mutability, this higher interpretation, this fluid engagement with the world we call mental. or astral. or 9’s or the moon or whatever.
so if you think reverently towards the idea of change and the mutability of seasons and tides and thoughts and commitments and love, and if you try to live your live in harmony with these changes, these seasons, these tides, then you are a faithful servant of the moon.
and above the emotions, above the moon? well, i must tell you i am reading, or attempting to read, israel regardie’s tree of life and am currently under it’s influence, though to actually get to finish it, with the number of things pressing for my time, will be another minor miracle.
above the moon there are venus and mercury, love and reflection, the children of light, and above radiance are energy and reason, which i suppose are hard to see, and above energy and reason are wisdom and understanding, and who can explain where wisdom and understanding came from? i have heard that the buddha said that you could develop your attention, attend to the things that matter they seem to say, and with correct attention comes the rest.
but the buddha has never convinced me to abandon my family and my friends and the memories of my ancestors and the learning of my culture and the defence of my house and home and so on and so forth, so i am an imperfect vessel for buddhist wisdom.
the thinking produced by the buddha is testimony to its profundity and genius, i just do not fully know the way, but i am convinced by many that i admire, living or dead, presently or in the past, and surely, it seems to me, in the future, that there is indeed a way from distress to happiness, from despair to joy, from life to death, from mind to matter, and probably all the other ways you can wrap your head around the antinomies.
in addition to all being in our space suits and all dying out here we are also all organised. we are arranged. already, prior to what we think, we are arranged in a network of persons and ideas that structure what is possible and impossible in our lives.
time and money and the earth belong to saturn, organisation belongs to the moon. all these ideas and persons, and whats the distinction really? the idea always has to find purchase in a person to be effective in some way, and a person cannot be effective with no idea at all, at least not for their own purposes, so it seems to me to be quite reasonable to do as the germans did, and to posit a zeitgeist, that is a mind for saturn, that we can call the moon if you like, but there are these minds, or ideas, or persons, or spirits, or whatever you want to call them, and they are symbolised by the moon.
so it boils down to a question of what you do with the lump of flesh you have been lent by saturn for whatever length of time, which one cannot know while living, except in as much as one can be as certain these mortal bodies do die.
so. the spirit of the times. that is immovable in the whole, it being saturns mind entire, but the local whorls we inhabit in the continuum, which means in the connectedness btw, but in the local whorls of the continuum, of the moon, of the mutability, because if you can’t change your mind how do you know you’ve got one? anyway, john, hmm.
for example because i was convinced by an idea reported by malcolm gladwell many years ago i now have a spreadsheet of 152 names of the people i think i love most in the world, on the grounds that you can’t practically keep track of more than that. it includes the dead, but only the nearest.
anyway, i don’t really believe the science as it was reported any more, so the spreadsheet is an artefact, even though i made it only a little while ago, long after reading that book, the books influence you see, did not need to be conscious to be active and determinative, tho how much who can say? so.
is it wrong to defend the right to attempt to do works in the mutability? to risk lunacy and all the rest of course, but wrong because you have no right, but i feel as if i have some rights, conferred on me, in a limited sense, by the organisation, by the committee, the clubs, the people, you know, all of them, they where here when i got here, mostly in my head, but thats everybody either way, right?
the spirits, the persons, the ideas and words and explanations given to me.
sometimes i feel emotional.
i take it as a sign.
i do not not claim to know
what it means.
anyway, i cannot think like this when i am not writing, that is, writing gives me a near real time feedback process that i can interact with in the physical. it takes time, because it is a physical act, but it gives me feedback, feedback to my mind, which is less anchored to time than the physical system.
the outlines of the dynamic processes of mind that i can infer from reading the feedback, wither immediately over a single word or turn of phrase, or at more depth over periods of hours and days, teach me much about myself and about the multiplicity and ephemerality of ideas, as they drift through the mind, interacting in mysterious ways with the physical, the seething cauldron of the spirit world is there, bubbling away for me to see as the letters spill on to the page.
and what is the good of these spirits? these ideas? these people we cling to because they best substantiate our ideas and ideals about others and ourselves? well, they are the sum total of good it seems to me, they are the moon, above the earthly realm. and above them higher equalities still, or so they say.
so i can read what i have scryed from my own mind, turbulent with the rubble of my life no doubt, but even the imperfect forays seem to me to repay faith and diligence.
i run on, but i watch the likes of david icke run on and i think, it is not so awful to give people hope in ideas.
not so vain to sacrifice ones time to explore the process by which ideas find purchase on the material.
thats the tree of life sequence i suppose, 1 to 10, with 0 in the background. another numerological system like the yi or the 8 fold path, convenient for reasoning about spiritual hierarchies, one of many ways to pattern the thinking to ones purposes.
so i have long avowed, as it approaches 2, that writing, that is this process i have devoted my morning to, is valuable, it patterns and influences my thoughts and thoughts are the spirits of things, so i weave my thread of words and it is a dance between my thoughts an i, and i can learn more of my thoughts, and dissolve what i have back into the thoughts i love, respect, admire and study most, and these spirits, whirling and ephemeral, recurring and eternal, in my mind and in the minds of others, in my mind and evidenced everywhere in my world, are connected with, are related to, form ..
you know, the continuum, the circle, the circle of the moon, which is segmented and allows us to understand time, the continuum means, in addition to connectedness, a containing, that is a sphere, there is a sense of the sphere in the circularity of reasoning from saturn to the moon, nevertheless, all reasoning is circular, and all thinking is magical, and so saturn dreams of the moon.
if you can’t hold your nerve and write for even half a day once a week, when you have no reasonable excuse not to have the time, then you are falling over at the first hurdle. so on i write.
reflection, or mercury, sits above the moon, above it, venus, or love. so the idea is some kind of reflection, via the mirror of mercury, from the higher sphere of love, to the lower one of the mutability and thence to the physicality.
so there is some mercurial process to my efforts, that is i attempt to use the mercury of the written word to act as the catalyst to the moon, who presides over the changes of the earth of time.
and i do it for love. i worship love. i often feel it is the highest point to which my mind can aspire. i try to love those around me and find love in the world, i try to reflect love. and the ideas. and the world as it is, and that is all mercury.
and love, well love, is love, to be in love is to be bathed in a radiance that is not ones own.
love is a reason and a purpose for living.
reason and purpose defer to wisdom and understanding, and wisdom and understanding come from attention and thought and discipline and time and space and opportunities.
so all thinking is circular, all writing is circular, if it wasn’t how could anyone know what anyone was saying? but all communication is imperfect, all dwelling is impermanent, there are quantities by a certain measure, and they change, well. well enough.
so as it strikes 2 i am drawn back to melbourne, back to all the other concerns, they never left me really, i had to tend to them as they came, but i tried to tend to this as well, as best i could. and i thank you for your kind attention.
an update. after 2 i applied for several jobs, a half a dozen i think, and scrolled through more. then i walked rather than drove to pick up sasha and on the walk home we bumped into katie and elliot and arlo as they where walking home too. it was lovely to see them. i miss them so much. it is always painful to leave them and always good to see them again. especially unexpectedly.
now we are home from our walk, i bought sasha some bubblegum and myself the art of war, les infants terrible and voids amores from fully booked, we asked with taighd about cats.
now we are home and i will make some early dinner for sasha and then dan, zora and later kate and devon will come here for the evening.
so today i feel i have been productive. written several thousand words. applied for several jobs. corresponded with devon, kelsey, kimshar, jess, others, played with the cat, saw all my children, even managed to almost have a coherent thought it seems.
half past 5 and another work day done. food in the oven. awaiting guests.
leah and her dog popped round.
now we are